Valuing kindness above cleverness: Emma's lesson

 

This blanket is one of the hundreds of themed  products available at Totally_Jane_Austen 

Facebook brought this New Yorker cartoon into my feed. I immediately thought of Jane Austen's Emma. She thought the same way the father in this cartoon does that saying something clever but devastating is an irresistible temptation, but she comes to regret the hurt she has caused. 

While the group is seated for their picnic, Frank Churchill stirs things up by declaring a demand from Miss Woodhouse: 

" 'she only demands from each of you either one thing very clever, be it prose or verse, original or repeated--or two things moderately clever--or three things very dull indeed, and she engages to laugh heartily at them all."

"Oh! very well," exclaimed Miss Bates, "then I need not be uneasy. 'Three things very dull indeed.' That will just do for me, you know. I shall be sure to say three dull things as soon as ever I open my mouth, shan't I? (looking round with the most good-humoured dependence on every body's assent)--Do not you all think I shall?"

Emma could not resist.

"Ah! ma'am, but there may be a difficulty. Pardon me--but you will be limited as to number--only three at once."

Miss Bates, deceived by the mock ceremony of her manner, did not immediately catch her meaning; but, when it burst on her, it could not anger, though a slight blush shewed that it could pain her.

"Ah!--well--to be sure. Yes, I see what she means, (turning to Mr. Knightley,) and I will try to hold my tongue. I must make myself very disagreeable, or she would not have said such a thing to an old friend."

Silver Emma quote pendant  

There is some additional dialog and a bit of narrative until Mr. Knightley is able to confront Emma alone and take her to task:

While waiting for the carriage, she found Mr. Knightley by her side. He looked around, as if to see that no one were near, and then said,

"Emma, I must once more speak to you as I have been used to do: a privilege rather endured than allowed, perhaps, but I must still use it. I cannot see you acting wrong, without a remonstrance. How could you be so unfeeling to Miss Bates? How could you be so insolent in your wit to a woman of her character, age, and situation?--Emma, I had not thought it possible."

Emma recollected, blushed, was sorry, but tried to laugh it off.

"Nay, how could I help saying what I did?--Nobody could have helped it. It was not so very bad. I dare say she did not understand me."

"I assure you she did. She felt your full meaning. She has talked of it since. I wish you could have heard how she talked of it--with what candour and generosity. I wish you could have heard her honouring your forbearance, in being able to pay her such attentions, as she was for ever receiving from yourself and your father, when her society must be so irksome."

"Oh!" cried Emma, "I know there is not a better creature in the world: but you must allow, that what is good and what is ridiculous are most unfortunately blended in her."

"They are blended," said he, "I acknowledge; and, were she prosperous, I could allow much for the occasional prevalence of the ridiculous over the good. Were she a woman of fortune, I would leave every harmless absurdity to take its chance, I would not quarrel with you for any liberties of manner. Were she your equal in situation--but, Emma, consider how far this is from being the case. She is poor; she has sunk from the comforts she was born to; and, if she live to old age, must probably sink more. Her situation should secure your compassion. It was badly done, indeed! You, whom she had known from an infant, whom she had seen grow up from a period when her notice was an honour, to have you now, in thoughtless spirits, and the pride of the moment, laugh at her, humble her--and before her niece, too--and before others, many of whom (certainly some,) would be entirely guided by your treatment of her.--This is not pleasant to you, Emma--and it is very far from pleasant to me; but I must, I will,--I will tell you truths while I can; satisfied with proving myself your friend by very faithful counsel, and trusting that you will some time or other do me greater justice than you can do now."

You can judge for yourself which adaption of the picnic at Box Hill, showed this lesson best, thanks to the compilation here:

 

With great status comes great responsibility 

The first line of Emma is not nearly as famous as the opening line of Pride and Prejudice, though it also archly conveys the essence of the story: "Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her."

Emma seems to have all that is necessary for happiness. Out of those three attributes, she takes the most pride in her cleverness, taking her wealth for granted and lacking vanity for her appearance, as Mr. Knightley reveals in conversation with Mrs. Weston. 

Like a tragic hero, Emma's great strengths are also what lead to her undoing -- or rather some misjudgments and hurt feelings that the good-hearted Emma never intended. Austen's novels follow the conventions of Shakespeare's comedies rather than the tragedies, so everything works out fine in the end with the main characters properly paired off. 

Jane Austen Mugs
by Totally_Jane_Austen

However, along the way, our heroine has to admit her faults and mistakes and learn to be better, which she does. Now that I think about it, Emma's lesson is similar to Darcy's who responded to Bingley's suggestion that he ask Elizabeth to dance with "She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men."

 Darcy came to regret that quip as much as Emma regretted what she said to Miss Bates. Like Darcy, Emma learns that kindness and consideration for the feelings of others is a greater measure of worth than attempt to manipulate others -- for their own good -- and clever remarks.  

P.S. The value of kindness is one of the Austen themes that The Other Bennet Sister gets right. Mrs. Bennet's lack of kindness to her middle daughter destroys her self-esteem. Her mother's foil is her Aunt Gardiner who is kindness herself. Mary also comments on feeling really bad about having to refuse to dance again with Mr. Sparrow whose only fault was having been kind to her and describes Tom Hayward as "the kindest man."  

Related:

Observations on Jane Austen's Emma 

"The Other Bennet Sister" is Closer to Jane Eyre than Jane Austen        How "The Other Bennet Sister" subverts narrative convention     

Jane Austen: Love and Money
Love and Limerence in Jane Austen

Jane Austen at the Morgan
Jane Austen and Autism
Jane Austen's Heroines
Pride, Prejudice and Persuasion: Obstacles to Happiness in Jane Austen's Novels
Three Janes, Two Governesses, and the Abolitionist Movement

Pride, Prejudice and Persuasion: Obstacles to Happiness in Jane Austen's Novels

Jewelry and Watches Inspired by Jane Austen
by Totally_Jane_Austen

It is a truth -- universally acknowledged or not -- that the traits of pride and prejudice are what threaten the happiness of Jane Austen's hero and heroine in the novel that names those traits in the title. It also appears pretty obvious that the Lady Russell's persuasion is what prompted Anne Elliot to break her own heart, as well as that of Frederick Wentworth. Pride is also to blame in the story of Persuasion.

Ostensibly it is the dreaded Elliot pride that is to blame. After all, Lady Russell's influence over Anne's decision stems from the status of the Elliot family. Certainly, we see several examples of the Elliot pride on display in the snobbishness of Anne's father and both her sisters.  Anne admits to having a form of pride, as well, though it is one that feels embarrassment for her family for falling all over Lady Dalrymple and her daughter, relatives who had ignored them for years to an apparent snub going back to the time before Anne's mother's death.

Jane Austen Silhouette Wine Glass

Relative risk for social aspirations

In chapter 16, Anne reflects on her disappointment in her father and eldest sister: "She had hoped better things from their high ideas of their own situation in life, and was reduced to form a wish which she had never foreseen; a wish that they had more pride; for 'our cousins Lady Dalrymple and Miss Carteret;' 'our cousins, the Dalrymples,' sounded in her ears all day long."

This is the idea of proper pride, of knowing one's essential worth well enough not to seek out reflected glory in others who bear a higher rank in society. The Elliots who fawning over their aristocratic relatives emulate Mr. Collins who insists on referring to his patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, into every conversation.

Lingering resentment

While the Elliot pride is what accounted for the initial division between Anne and  Frederick Wentworth, it is the captain's pride that maintains it. He observes that point near the end of the book.  In chapter 23, Anne argues that she was not to blame in following the guidance of trusted friend and that she hopes that  resentment against Lady Russell will not linger.

Wentworth responds with some reflection that leads to self-recrimination:

"Not yet. But there are hopes of her being forgiven in time. I trust to being in charity with her soon. But I too have been thinking over the past, and a question has suggested itself, whether there may not have been one person more my enemy even than that lady? My own self. Tell me if, when I returned to England in the year eight, with a few thousand pounds, and was posted into the Laconia, if I had then written to you, would you have answered my letter? Would you, in short, have renewed the engagement then?"

"Would I!" was all her answer; but the accent was decisive enough.

"Good God!" he cried, "you would! It is not that I did not think of it, or desire it, as what could alone crown all my other success; but I was proud, too proud to ask again. I did not understand you. I shut my eyes, and would not understand you, or do you justice. This is a recollection which ought to make me forgive every one sooner than myself. Six years of separation and suffering might have been spared. It is a sort of pain, too, which is new to me. I have been used to the gratification of believing myself to earn every blessing that I enjoyed. I have valued myself on honourable toils and just rewards. Like other great men under reverses," he added, with a smile. "I must endeavour to subdue my mind to my fortune. I must learn to brook being happier than I deserve."

  Here Jane Austen makes it clear that she exonerates Anne completely and has Wentworth recognize that he is more to blame than she is. Had he reached out to her after only two years of separation, they could have been reconciled and settled six years earlier than they are. Thus pride proves to be an even greater obstacle to happiness than the persuasion that Anne learned to shake off once she got out of her teens.

Pride and Prejudice pillow

The role of helpful antagonists

Pride is what prevents people from putting themselves in the path of a possible second rejection. That could have kept Anne and Wentworth apart forever if not for the involvement of another person, however unwittingly. 

Like Darcy, Wentworth waits for a signal from his beloved to renew his proposal -- what gives each man hope that he will be accepted this round. In Darcy's case it was Elizabeth's refusal to promise not to accept Darcy when pushed to do so by Lady Catherine. 

This was such an important factor in his deciding to go ahead that the 1940 film version of the book presented Lady Catherine as in on the plot to sound out Elizabeth's feelings. Of course, that is a blatant deviation from the book, though the film aimed to be even more "light, and bright, and sparkling" and redeem even Lady Catherine. 

For Wentworth, the deciding factor was hearing Anne declare that women are more constant than men in love (in general). She did so in the context of  Captain Harville's  complaint about having to get the miniature -- that had been intended for his sister --set for Louisa instead.  It is hearing Anne's view that motivates Wentworth to propose again, though this time via letter to spare himself any direct answer that may be a rejection.  

                      Channeling Jane Austen pen

The power of the pen

We may as well look at the whole letter, as the opening line is among the most romantic declarations to be found in English literature. It appears in Chapter 23.

Persuasion letter quote bracelet

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.

"I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never."

Wrap your gifts with Jane Austen
by Totally_Jane_Austen

Wentworth and Darcy get their second chance at love because they are willing to overcome the inclination to resent the refusal forever. This is very rare in real life. As a matchmaker, I see men all the time reject suggestion out of hands simply because the woman in question had said no to a date with them in the past. They don't allow for people to have changed and being open to things they would not have considered in the past and would rather have the loss than risk a second rejection. 

 Related:

Jane Austen: Love and Money

Love and Limerence in Jane Austen

Jane Austen at the Morgan
Three Janes, Two Governesses,
Observations on Jane Austen's Emma
Jane Austen and Autism

Jane Austen's Heroines

Pride, Prejudice and Persuasion: Obstacles to Happiness in Jane Austen's Novels

Pride and Prejudice in Job Applications
The Big Bow-wow & Bit of Ivory

Jane Austen and Capability Brown

Jane Austen and Autism

  

 Some years ago, I wrote about introversion in Jane Austen's heroines here:  Jane Austen's heroines.  What was left out of that perspective was a consideration of introverted heroes. They include both Edward Ferrars and Colonel Brandon in Sense and Sensibility. But the most beloved introvert hero of all is Mr. Darcy of Pride and Prejudice.

Mr. Darcy exhibits such extreme introverted behavior in the earlier parts of the book that some readers interpret it as signs of being on the spectrum. I first came across that theory in a YouTube video. 

To be fair, it doesn't quite claim that Mr. Darcy is autistic but that what defines his comfort zone, as well as his way of thinking and responding to social and conversational cues really resonates with those who are neuroatypical. 

A few days after I happened across that video, I found the source of theory of Darcy as autistic in Deborah Yaffe's book Among the Janeites.  It stems from a speech therapist named Phyllis Ferguson Bottomer. Her inspiration was not the book itself but the A&E adaptation that she watched in 2002. She zeroed in on the important interaction in Ch. 31 in which Elizabeth relays her point of view of  Mr. Darcy's rudeness, and he explains himself:

“I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,” said Darcy,“of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.”

Bottomer seized on the parallel between this explanation and how Temple Grandin explained her experienced her experience as an autistic in her autobiography: "I have always have a hard time fitting in with this rhythm."

Bottomer was so convinced that the novel portrayed people on the spectrum that she started presenting at Jane Austen conferences and wrote her own book on the subject: So Odd a Mixture: Along the Autistic Spectrum in 'Pride and Prejudice.'

I haven't read Bottomer's book, but I have read quite a number of books on introversion (see links

Pride and Prejudice gold-plated necklace

 below). I'm also an introvert myself and do understand the reluctance to make small talk and throw oneself into a dance when one is feeling not truly connected to those around one. 

Perhaps one would argue that introverts have some autistic tendencies, but one could just as well say that autistics have some introvert tendencies. In a Venn diagram, there would be an overlap between the two. Bearing that in mind, one need not conclude that anyone with those shared tendencies is necessarily on the spectrum, or that perhaps we should really normalize what is considered neuroatypical as typical because introverts do make up a substantial number of the population, as much as half, according to Laurie Helgoe. 

Whether one attributes Mr. Darcy's standoffishness to autistic tendencies or to a natural proclivity for introversion, the assumption Jane Austen and Elizabeth make is that it can be countered. In this key exchange, she likens conversational social skills to playing an instrument and so gently chides him by way of analogy: 

“My fingers,” said Elizabeth, “do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women’s do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault—because I will not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman’s of superior execution.”

Darcy takes this as her seeing a point of commonality between them, which makes him feel more at ease in her presence. Notice how often he responds to what she says with a smile, and this is one of those instances:

Darcy smiled and said, “You are perfectly right. You have employed your time much better. No one admitted to the privilege of hearing you can think anything wanting. We neither of us perform to strangers.”

He takes this to mean she understands them, but in truth she doesn't yet. That will take more time and more opening up on his end, risking vulnerability, which many introverts find extremely difficult. But that is the key to their whole relationship: Darcy has to overcome his natural inclination to connect with Elizabeth, and she has to let go of her extrovert assumption that she can take a full and accurate read on others instantly. They are the paradigm of a successful marriage of opposites.

See

The Marriage of Opposites

Jane Austen Silhouette Wine Glass

Happiness is

Perspectives on Introversions

The Great Introvert

Jane Austen: Love and Money

Love and Limerence in Jane Austen

Jane Austen at the Morgan
Three Janes, Two Governesses
Observations on Jane Austen's Emma

Jane Austen's Heroines

Pride, Prejudice and Persuasion: Obstacles to Happiness 

Pride and Prejudice in Job Applications
The Big Bow-wow & Bit of Ivory

Jane Austen's Heroines 

Jane Austen and Capability Brown